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22 Feb 2009
PENNY'S BLOG JOB
Panti’s bed is really really high. She has three mattresses! She says it’s because she’s a princess and she can feel a pee. Though when she’s drunk she definitely doesn’t feel it straight away, because she only wakes up after it’s gone all cold, and then she has to sleep on a towel till she’s sober enough to wash the sheets.
Anyway, because it’s so high I have to keep jumping up and down like a deranged pogo stick in the morning, to try and wake her so she’ll let me out for a pee. Eventually she wakes up, or I guess she does cos she gets out of the bed and lets me out, but she does it without ever opening her eyes. Or speaking. Maybe that’s cos she’s a princess. After I had my pee this morning, she let me get into her bed with her for our snooze, and just as I was beginning to doze off, she mumbled something about us having an adventure today, and then starting snoring. Like a huge old princess. But I couldn’t go back to sleep now! An adventure! That sounded exciting. Though I was a little wary too, cos the last time she got adventurous we had to have breakfast with three new ’uncles’ the next morning, and breakfast was vodka. And she ended up having to put cream all over her bottom for a week afterwards.
When we got up eventually, she made porridge for breakfast and then got dressed. And she didn’t put on her heels, or even her ‘walking flats’. She put on big boots! Something was definitely afoot! (Ha ha! Did you see what I did there?)
We went to the Pheonix Park on our walk a couple of times this week, but this morning we headed off in our usual direction, towards Sandymount. On the way we met Danny and the other homeless drug addicts on the bridge where they always are. Sometimes they’re all laughing and talking, and sometimes they’re fighting, but even if they’re fighting, Danny always stops and tries to play with me. But he still makes me a bit nervous, cos he’s always drunk, and has a cigarette in his big huge swollen hands, and his fingers don’t work very well, so he kind of ends up just pushing me rather than petting me. The woman always says “Ahhhhh… Danny! You’ll burn him with that cigarette!” They all still think I’m a boy even though Panti has told them I’m a girl, and they know my name is Penny. I think they forget though.
When we got to the park near Sandymount, Panti let me off the lead as usual, and I went sprinting around in circles on the grass. But then I saw two fellas kicking a football and I thought it’d be deadly to play, so I went running after it too. As I was running over to them I half expected Panti to call me back, but she didn’t so I kept going till I got the ball. The fellas didn’t mind at all. Even though it was quite cold, they both had their shirts off and were all sweaty. They reminded me of the video that Panti sometimes watches before bed. But it was definitely funny that Panti didn’t mind me running over to play with them. She didn’t tell me to “Come’ere!” like she usually would. But then she came running over to get me. Which was silly, because she could have just called me and I would have gone back to her. I always do. I’m very good. She told the shirtless fellas she was sorry and told me I was a bold girl, which wasn’t fair at all because she never called me back! Honest! The sweaty fellas said it was no problem, and said I was cute (I am) and then they chatted to Panti while they all bent down to scratch me. Panti kept giggling and touching her hair, and when we were leaving she whispered to me, “Good girl Pen Pen!”, even though a minute ago she said I was a bold girl. I think she’s getting confused in her old age.
When we got to the beach, Panti headed off around the bay along the path that leads through the nature park and eventually comes out at the Pigeon House power station that she likes so much,, so I followed her, thinking that that stuff she’d said about an adventure today must have been the drink talking.
But when we got to the edge of the park where it’s high and you can see out across the bay, Panti stopped. She looked out for a while, and then she looked down at me and said, “Remember yesterday, when the tide was all the way out? And we walked across the bay to the other side? Well, yesterday we took the shortest way across, but it was pretty easy right? So today, I think we should try to walk all the way across the middle of the bay! I think if we just walk straight across we’ll get to the other side at Booterstown.”
I looked at her, thinking she’s really lost her mind this time. For starters, it may have been easy for her yesterday, but she has giant man-woman legs. I had to swim at one point! And going across the shortest way was one thing, but trying to walk across to Booterstown! There could be anything out there in the middle. Quicksand even! And rivers! We already knew the bay can be deceptive at low tide. It looks like its all dry but then you discover there are tidal rivers hidden in dips and trenches. And what if the tide comes back in? But she just looked at me and said, “Oh don’t be such a wimp Penny! The tide isn’t even the whole way out yet, so we have plenty of time, and what’s the worse that could happen? We have to turn back? Or we get a little wet? What kind of lesbian are you?!”
Looked like I didn’t have a say in the matter!
We set out from the beach in front of the power station, and just started walking straight out in the direction of Booterstown, or at least our best guess at the direction of Booterstown. I was a bit nervous (though I pretended I wasn’t) and if Panti was, she didn’t let on. She just kept walking. After about ten minutes we came to the tidal river that usually marks the end of our walks, but today Panti was determined to find a way across, so we followed it back against the tide till eventually we found a spot where it broke up into a few smaller streams. Panti took a good look and then took a big run at it and jumped across, leaping from the sandy bank, onto a little sand ‘island’ and then across to the other side. But there was no way I was going to be able to do that! “Come on Penny. Your turn!” she shouted over. I wasn’t sure about this at all, but there was no way I was going to stay behind, so I took a run at it and jumped! And landed straight in the water which was cold and flowing fast. I had to start swimming hard till I scrambled wet and panting onto the other side. Panti clapped and made a big fuss of me, and I had to admit that suddenly it did feel like an adventure. I felt like Dora The Explorer!
But suddenly we weren’t on proper sand anymore. It was all gooey and muddy and kind of smelly, and our feet were sinking in and walking was harder. And there were big pools of water and the Pigeon House was starting to look really far away, even though the other side of the bay didn’t look any closer. Not that we could really see it, but we could see the RTE television transmitter so we knew were going in the right direction. We kept going. Pretty soon we came to another stream, flowing out toward the sea, and again we had to look for a way across. Even though this one was smaller than the first one, it was harder to find a place to cross because it was all so slippy and muddy and was harder to run and jump at it. But eventually we found a spot where Panti could get across. I ended up swimming again, and when I scrambled out this time I was all covered in mud. Panti said I looked like a ‘scat queen’ but I don’t know what she meant.
We kept going, getting further and further from the Pigeon House, but now we could see the other side. The floor of the bay kept changing as we went: muddy, then sandy, then slippy, then dry-ish, then muddy again. But we kept going, sometimes having to back-track, or detour around streams, until we started to see people flying kites in the distance near the far shore. And then I could hear another dog barking, chasing a ball we couldn’t see, and we kept going till we could see houses and we kept going till we met two boys who were speeding across the sand on wheeled boards being pulled by big kites, and kept going till a big black Labrador bounded up and started chasing me and I realised we were all the way across!
It felt like we’d been walking and scrambling and sliding and swimming for ages, but Panti looked at her watch and said it had only taken us an hour. We looked back across the bay at the Pigeon House and it looked really far away, and Panti said that it was ‘pretty cool’ that we’d just walked across. Like Moses!
She was right. It was pretty cool. And she was right this morning too. It was an adventure.
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21 Feb 2009
To whet your appetite in the build up to this year's Gay Christmas, we're screening last year's Alternative Miss Ireland in full.
This year's AMI is on March 15th. Tickets from Ticket Master, or (slightly cheaper) from The Olympia Box Office.
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21 Feb 2009
Now this is the kind of Catholic Church I could get on board with! And each outfit is more fabulous and more insane than the one before.
It's a scene from Fellini's 'Roma'.
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21 Feb 2009
This video is really charming and fun and gay.
BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.
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20 Feb 2009
The tide was so low today when Penny and I were on our walk, that we were able to walk right across the bay from Sandymount Strand, over to the Pigeon House, only needing to make one small jump over a tidal stream. Well, a small jump for me. Penny had to get a bit wet. We got a slightly different view of the power station than usual, which I found interesting, even if Penny was more interested in digging for clams with a Japanese man we met far out in the middle of the bay.
When we were making our way back around the bay, we came across a group of ould fellas and alcoholics that we know from our walks. One of them has a one-eyed dog called Samantha that used to be very grumpy with Penny, but they're friends now. They were all sitting on a remote bench, tucked in between some over-grown bushes, a good 30 minute walk from the nearest road, and they were drinking and playing a reel on tin whistles and a harmonica. I half expected to see a leprachaun doing a jig! If I'd seen it in an 'Oirish' movie I'd have rolled my eyes.
And then when we got home, the sky was on fire.
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20 Feb 2009
I'm able to see what countries visitors to the blog come from, and I like to check from time to time. It's interesting to see where my gays are at. Of course some of you end up here by accident, after Googling 'panties' or 'huge pig-dog-man-woman', so if I see that I got a small handful of visits from Kazakstan, I put that down to a couple of panty pervs with poor spelling, having a little down time after a hard day explaining to people where the hell Kazakstan is. In Russian.
Obviously, the English speaking countries are the most well reresented ('Hi' to the former colonies! Have you gotten over it yet? We're still a bit pissed off, but we've decided to not to mention it anymore. At least untill Amy Winehouse is better. They have enough on their plate right now.) But I get lots of visitors from non-English speaking countries too. Though you well represented Scandinavians are such cunning linguists. And you South Americans, well you're just diiirty. Some of the other less obvious countries I put down to English speaking ex-pats. Are you reading this on a military base in Iraq? (While touching yourself inappropriately? Is that kind of thing condoned in your army, Private?)
But who the hell is/are the avid reader(s) in Iran?! If you're as hot as that sounds, please e-mail me, (panti@ireland.com) attaching a dirty picture of yourself. For my private collection obviously. It'll be our shameful, un-Islamic, counter-revolutionary secret. Though if you're an Irish bloke working in the embassy (do we even have one there?) there's really no need. Unless you really want to.
UPDATE: A reader (thanks FH) has pointed out that indeed we do have an embassy in Iran, and that our men in Tehran are Ambassador John Deady, and First Secretary Alan Cummins. (And I checked. They are! Not that I doubted you FH, but seeing is believing and all that) Alan Cummins! *snigger* Isn't life just wonderful sometimes? And really gay. For a second I thought it was Alan Cummings. In fact, I'm going to choose to believe it is Alan Cummings, because that would be magnificant. Not that I doubt the magnificance of our Alan, but still, Alan Cummings would be so perfect.
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20 Feb 2009
The Madge fans among you will love this, but even if you're not a huge fan, it's still really fun. This queen is working hard for the money! It's a bit chaotic at times, but that's part of it's charm.
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20 Feb 2009
GCN celebrated it's 21st birthday last night with a big 'Icon' party at TriPod. 21 yers is a big milestone for any publication, but for a queer rag that's held together with little more than bamboo and snot, it's a bloody miracle. So after The Panti Show last night, I jumped in a cab and high-tailed it to TriPod, because obviously the party would have fallen flat without my high octane glamour. And they were expecting me to push out a big birthday cake at midnight. Although the traffic was bad, I still made it , and was able to reconstruct my face in the cab on the way, while the driver kept pressing his thigh against mine and telling me I didn't need to re-touch because I was already gorgeous. Which was true of course, but still. Just to be on the safe-side, I drew my eye-brows back on.
The party was fun! Cute young gays dancing in the main room, and in the bar, various 'celebrity' gays were taking turns DJ-ing. David Norris had already finished his set by the time I got there.
Here's a pic from the party. See? Looks fun, right?
And one stolen from Facebook
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19 Feb 2009
..as you'll know if you've ever caught my act! But I'm sorry, this is just plain funny. Drunks falling are funny. I dare you not to laugh.
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19 Feb 2009
For those hard to reach spots!
(Thanks Philly)
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